Thursday, January 31, 2008

Writing (Though Poorly)

I stopped plotting and replotting. I stopped tweaking my maps and going over character sketches. I stopped obsessing over the Hero's Journey and the Marshall Plan and the Snowflake Method. And... I just wrote. I typed up some existing handwritten stuff and went with it from there. Now mind you, it sucks and I am fully aware that it sucks. But it feels so good to be writing again. Getting lost in that zone is better than drugs could ever be.

Writing, for me, isn't about whether or not other people like my work. I write for me. I write because I have to get the stories out of my head. I write because it puts me on fire. I write because it feels good. Sometimes it helps me work through things. Sometimes it's a little break from reality where I can play with things that could never be. Sometimes it's a way of putting a message or a moral out onto paper.

The whole point is that I forgot that. I forgot who I write for and why I write. I got stuck in the trap of not wanting to write unless I could write the best of something. I had to have the plot right and the words right and the world set up perfectly. Everything had to fall into place not because *I* wanted it to be right but because it's what was expected from me by other people.

I'm no Stephen King. I will most likely never be published. And I'm good with that. I just need to keep my eye on the *real* goal... writing for the right reasons, my reasons. If I can do that, the writing will take care of itself.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Tell Me No Lies

I think I've already established that I don't lie. Of course, for me that means that I don't say something if it isn't true. I have been known to tell precise truths, where I answer the question that was asked instead of the question that was intended. But it's usually pretty obvious when I am doing that, leading people who know me to drill the question down more specifically until they have me cornered. See, that's the thing... it's not just that I won't lie. I can't lie. When I lie it is blatantly obvious and I can't pull it off. Anyone who knows me can tell immediately and even people who don't know me can usually tell. This could be because I tend to smile when I lie, if not outright giggle.

So I don't lie.

I also have the incredible tendency to tell on myself. When I do things I am embarrassed about or royally screw things up, I almost always tell on myself even when I could easily "get away with" just not telling and breezing over the incident. One of the most potent examples of this is the time I got a speeding ticket on the way home from visiting a friend at college, where we got roaringly drunk at a Frat party. (I was 17 years old.) The whole way home I was telling my best friend (who went with me) not to tell my mom. Don't tell mom. She'll never know so just don't tell her. DON'T TELL MOM! And the second thing I said when we walked in the door (after "Hi, we're home.") was the story of getting pulled over and being irrationally afraid that the cop would know we'd been drinking the night before. HELLO!!! But you know what? Mom was so amused, both at the story and at the fact that I told on myself, that the only punishment I got was having to tell Daddy myself and having to pay for the ticket.

This is not an isolated event. This is common for me. And people know this so they can count on me to tell the truth, even if it puts me a bad light, and to tell them if I get into trouble. I consider this a good thing. This is one of the few things that I model appropriately for my children. They know that I don't lie, I fess up to my wrongs and if I make a promise I'm going to keep it. I hope that eventually they will share some of this ethic, not to the extreme that I do of course as I recognize that my behavior is odd and out of the ordinary.

Here's the catch... what 99% of the people who know me DON'T know is that this behavior adapted out of a need to keep things hidden. I used to lie all the time when I was a kid. I was constantly in trouble and constantly lying in an attempt to avoid or get out of said trouble. Like most kids, I wasn't very good at lying and nearly always got caught. Then I discovered the power of selective truths. By fessing up to some of the deeds, I avoided suspicion on other deeds. I also discovered that if I confessed to doing something wrong, it was easier on *me* to avoid telling things that couldn't be said. By the time I no longer had the need to keep my mouth closed on big things, I had learned very well how to work the whole trust/confession angle. I incorporated the intense telling of the truth into the "new me" that I created in middle school and by the time I hit high school, I had lost the ability to lie convincingly and told on myself for things I screwed up.

The thing is, I didn't lose my ability to hide the really big things. There are still things to this day that are going on with me that no one but the people involved know about. I don't think anyone who knows me would believe that, but it's true. Things I don't put in here, I don't tell the shrink about, and sure as hell don't tell Hubby about. Now, if cornered, I would tell on myself. If it looks like my secret is about to be outed, I would preemptively confess. But no one thinks me capable and that works in my favor.

Why say this now? I guess my conscience still plagues me about it. I take such pride on my unshakable integrity. I don't lie, right? Except, I really do, don't I? I don't tell the whole truth and I occasionally don't tell any part of the truth. And I still get that beaten puppy feeling when I push something over the wall and don't tell on myself for it. But I have no plans to change it. Some secrets shouldn't be told.

"Truth? You can't handle the truth!" (Col. Jessup, A Few Good Men)

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Tired of Trying

I beat my head against a wall trying to become this better person, this person who is healthy and happy and thinks the right things and does the right things and wants the right things. And I am filled with frustration and worn ragged with trying. This becoming someone else is exhausting! It requires constant monitoring of thought and deed. This is the beach ball metaphor multiplied by eternity because it can never end. Everything that I am comfortable with, everything that I know, everything that I thought I did right - it is all NOTHING.

The metaphor of holding a beach ball underwater is so appropriate right now. I can sit on it, hide it, and keep it down for long periods of time - with concentration and effort. But the moment I let down my guard or my concentration lapses, up it comes without regard for when and where or how inappropriate the circumstances might be. And I am growing tired. I fear this beach ball will erupt to the surface at any time.

I still have not mastered the removal of unwanted thoughts. And the fact is - I am not a very good person. I can fake it sometimes. I am often known to reveal only the facts that make me look good. When I complain of other people's behavior, I do not tell of my role in instigating it. When I speak of the tragedies of my past, I gloss over my own part in it or skip large chunks that might speak volumes about me that I don't want people to know. I garner sympathy by false means.

In short - I lie. I wonder what would happen if I answered every question without ducking and dodging? What if I let people know the whole truth? What would happen if my support people knew about the dirty laundry that I never mention? What would happen if I didn't define lying as the speaking of an untruth and included the leaving out of vital information? What a liar I would be then... (more on lying in another post)

I fear I would lose everyone. No one wants to be around someone whose first thought is always negative. No one wants to be around someone who has to remind themselves every minute that the only choice is life. No one wants to be around someone who has done the things I have done. No one wants to be around someone who gets sarcastic when angry and cries when criticized. No one wants to be around someone who gets frustrated with having to lie in the bed they themselves made. No one wants to be around that kind of person. Including me...

So I push those beach balls under the water and I hold them there with every bit of strength I can muster. I put on a smile and I say the right things at the right times to the right people. I may not be able to stop the wrong thoughts and feelings, but I can hide them. And if I grow weary of doing so, I need to remember what will be lost by letting go of the ball and call on those within who find the good in everything.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Wherever I Go, There I Am

I fear I shall never escape my past. It follows me wherever I go. I will never be able to outrun it, or climb above it, or live it down. It is part of me and I accept that. I just wish it didn't have to taint everything in the present with the sins of the past. I shall never regain the trust of those I hurt; I doubt I will even be able to regain my own trust in myself.

At every turn I make the wrong choice. At every turn, I do the wrong thing. People get hurt because of the choices I've made. I don't mean to and yet still it happens time and again. I find myself back in the same situations, trying to make a better choice, ending up doing the wrong things yet again. Is it any wonder I hate myself and everything I have come to represent? When it comes down to it some things never change. Whether by chance or by choice... I am poison.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Ten Thousand Angels Will Light Your Pathway

This song was in the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. That show was so heart-wrenching while at the same time being so stupid. But the song is WOW! Here it is: Ten Thousand Angels by Caedmon's Call.

Ten Thousand Angels by Caedmon's Call



how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you

against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you

so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you

ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you


I love that... ten thousand angels will light your pathway. How calming that would be. To have messengers from God showing you the right way, the way intended by the Divine Plan. It must be a tremendous sense of peace to know where to go and how to get there and to know that the path you are on is the right one.

There is a certain feeling that comes from knowing something on a level that is entirely different from thinking something through. When that kind of insight touches me and I realize something on a fundamental lever, there is that peace, that deep-seated feeling that everything is the way it should be. That comes from little flashes of divine inspiration.

Imagine the feeling that would come from knowing your path has been lit by angels.

I need an angel, not ten thousand, just one, one angel to help me find my pathway, one angel to help me find that peace.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Bad Moods and Pity Parties

I am in a funk. I feel so low that I wonder if the sun has burned out and left me in the cold darkness forever. I feel small, insignificant, and useless. I hate myself and I hate myself for hating myself. Every little thing is like the weight of a thousand days. I don't know how to pull out of this and don't know if I would have the energy even if there was a way. But the worst part is... THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT!

Everyone has bad days. Everyone gets out of bed on the wrong side sometimes. There is nothing special about me or my mood. Nothing is different about this to make it a big deal in any way, shape or form. There is a whole wide world out there of people in far worse situations that I am in. I should feel lucky to be where I'm at, or at the very least be able to stop the cycle of feeling bad. I tried going over all the ways that I am blessed - and there are many. That should have lifted my mood, right? And yet it left me feeling sullen and angry.

HOW STUPID IS THAT?!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. There is no reason for it. With the exception of money, which has taken a set of serious turn for the worse, things are going well. The house is cleaner than it has been on a regular basis for years. Kid-1 brought home all A's and B's on his report card. Kid-3 is going to be okay. Kid-2 is starting her own writing group - a girl after my own soul! Hubby has been is an especially foul set of moods and it is taking its toll on me, but he is still here and he loves us and is doing his best. Even my writing is progressing at a fair clip.

So why is the fact that I won't be able to get to school after all tearing me into tiny pieces? And all the medical bills spinning me into a stupor of guilt? And every time Hubby touches me giving me sobbing nightmares? Why am I dreading to go to the shrink tomorrow even though it is usually one of the highlights of my week? Why am I mad at Mother Nature herself for throwing this cold snap at me? Every bill that comes in the mail reduces me to tears. Every song about causing others pain feels like it was written to criticize me. Every meltdown the kids have is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Every thing my in-laws say to "cheer me up" drags me lower. And this pathetic little head cold feels like I am slowing dying!!

WTF?!

Someone slap me out of this funk!

Good things roll off me like water while little things slice like a razor. I dropped another pants size - I should be thrilled! Instead I realize I again have no pants that fit and no money to get more. I tell myself to think positive - I lost weight! And a host of Voices crash down on me. Then I get mad at myself for thinking negatively. Then I get mad about getting mad. Then I get depressed that I am trapped in a cycle of being mad. Then feeling the happy thoughts gets even more difficult.

I feel completely out of control. I can put thoughts into my head - I can find the happy thoughts. But I haven't figured out how to STOP thoughts from coming into my head - all the attacks upon the happy thoughts. And I feel completely powerless over my feelings. I can tell myself to be happy until I am blue in the face and it only pushes me lower when I don't achieve happiness. How do I fix this? How do I take control of my mood and push it back where it should be? No one wants to be around someone who is a bad mood, including and especially me! It has only been two days of this black mood but already it feels like an eternity. And I don't know how to stop the impermissible thoughts from coming. They are so loud; they overpower the thoughts I am supposed to be having.

AND I HAVE A COLD!!! My nose is running, my forehead is stuffy and tender to the touch, I have an itchy, scratchy, sore throat and my lip is getting chapped from blowing my nose. I DON'T FEEL GOOD!!

I think, just for the rest of today, I am going to throw myself a pity-party. I am going to let my head bitch and complain and whine and feel sorry for myself. I am going to be crushed about school and worried sick about money and guilty for giving my kids bad genes that are ruining their lives. I am going to feel scared of going to bed and sad that the best friend I ever had abandoned me. I am going to be irritated that the kids keep fighting and disappointed that Kid-2's grades dropped. I am going to feel fat and ugly and stupid and annoying and untalented and expensive and worthless. Screw the happy thoughts! I hear-by give myself permission to be bitchy and depressed and sick - just for tonight.

Maybe it will be like taking a shit: it stinks while it's happening but feels a lot better once it's over......

No quote tonight. I DON'T WANT TO!

*skulks off to be in a bad mood*

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been



Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I’m losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
Cause who I’ve been only ever made me


To be honest, I don't overly like the sound of this song. But the title fits me so well and the lyrics hit home in a couple of key places. The major difference is that I am still that person, though I am trying to become someone better.

After suggesting some alternative ways to handle unwanted emotions, the shrink proceeded to tell me not make the changes because he said to or because he wants me to but because I want to. I find this has actually put me in a bit of a bind because, quite frankly, I rather prefer my method of dealing with unwanted emotions: DON'T. But it's not working, apparently, because I keep falling apart. I really want to be good. I just wish it didn't involve hurting.

I know that's a contradiction: I want to be good but I don't want to do what it takes to be good. *rolls eyes at self*

But you know what? I already hurt. I can't get rid of the pain. There is pain everywhere - it's just a fact. When someone says something or does something that hurts or makes me angry, it's not like I don't hurt. I do. It's more like a refusal to direct it at others, to the point of destroying myself with it. I will turn it around and twist it as hard as is needed until I can find a way to not be upset at anyone else.

Why?

Why am I willing to do whatever it takes to keep from hurting people? I would rather destroy myself than risk upsetting anyone else. This makes no logical sense. Where is this coming from that it is this strong? Maybe it served me once. I guess I can see that. But why do I cling to it now? Why am I so desperate to to keep from turning negative emotions on other people - even when the situation calls for it? Why does it hurt so much less to turn it on me than where it is warranted?

I have always been told that I can't change other people. I can't *make* anyone do anything. It is from this belief that my "rationale" stems. If I cannot change other people and cannot make them do anything, there is no point in getting angry with them. In fact, getting angry with them has the potential for causing two problems. The one that is closest to me consciousness is that words hurt and once said, cannot be taken back. Words said in anger can be as vicious and painful as a physical blow, worse because they don't heal as quickly. How many times has something said/screamed at me stuck in my mind like a hot brand? I don't wish to do that to anyone else. The second problem is that getting mad at others can turn and rebound on me. Getting in trouble is high on my list of things to avoid and unleashing my anger on someone else is a sure-fire way to ensure that happens.

And so I turn it on myself. Because nothing said in return can catch me off guard. And I *can* change my own behavior and my own responses to other people's behavior. So I place the blame somewhere that has the ability to be useful. Then my anger doesn't feel so impotent or so dangerous.

Oh. There it is... "Then my anger doesn't feel so impotent or so dangerous."

Perhaps it is about control. In an effort to find some degree of control over my emotions, I manipulate them to a position that I have designated as within my control. And also, I think the part about not catching me off guard is on target too. Not being able to predict an attack is my biggest fear, the one thing guaranteed to send me into a panic.

Okay then. I need to think about this some more...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

On Becoming Someone Else

As I have already mentioned, it has become obvious that who I am is not who I need to be. I don't think the right things or behave in the right ways. My reactions and instincts point me in the wrong direction and I am generally not who everyone wants me to be. But this process of change is proving to be more difficult than I had hoped. I can change my behaviors to match the me I should be. And with time, I can make those behaviors into habits so that I do them instead of my current actions. It is the thoughts I am struggling with and the emotions. I can teach myself to speak optimistically. I can learn to smile instead of frown. I can go to scrapbooking sessions and family gatherings and smile and participate in them. I can find out the right things to say and memorize them.

But how do I make myself *like* doing these things? How do I make myself feel hopeful when I am speaking optimistically? How do I make myself feel happy when I smile? How do I convince myself to believe the things I say? I can change how I act but how do I change who I *AM*?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

And Not So Good Days

If some days are good for no apparent reason, others aren't so good for the same lack of reason. Today was a day that was just fine on the surface. But the undercurrents that ran through it weren't so fine at all.

I slept in this morning, as is my custom on Saturday mornings. But this morning I was woken not by Hubby or by finishing sleeping, but by the boys screaming at each other. Hubby had gone to the In-laws' house to take down the Merry Christmas sign.

I had been invited to go scrapbooking today but didn't really want to go. It takes so much energy to be around those people. They can be catty and backstabbing behind smiles and anecdotes. I've heard them talk about people who aren't there. I have too much fodder for their gossip. And I just didn't have the energy today to feed myself to the wolves. So I bailed. Actually, I just didn't go and then talked to my friend later this evening and apologized. Turns out it wasn't a problem as she didn't go either.

I did, however, keep my plans with Hubby's sister to go see the movie "PS - I Love You" and I am intensely glad I did. Before I tell you about the movie, let me just insert this brief word from our sponsor, The Big Guy. It takes 20 - 25 minutes to get to the theater. I had 20 minutes from when I left the house and I was bone dry on gas. I had to stop or I wouldn't make it at all. I was panicking. Being late is embarrassing and rude. And, I thought I was being clever and didn't bring a coat. I got out of the car to pump the gas and I decided, quite contrary to my habit, to only put a few gallons in. So I'm pumping gas and shivering and it occurs to me that I should just RELAX. So I did. I settled into the cold and pushed it away ever so slightly. I finished up quickly and was back on the road. I was freaking out for being so late and then it washed over me to just relax. I was on God's time now. Worrying about being late was not going to make me get there quicker. So I relaxed and paid attention to traffic without worrying. Here's the commercial part: despite my stop and heavy traffic and not being able to find a parking space... I made it there on time. God's Time was with me today...

But the movie: OMG! It was sooo awesome! I swear that Hilary Swank looks like she must have an eating disorder in it though. She was so thin as to pass beyond the realm of jealousy and into the realm of concern. And who would ever have thought that Harry Connick Jr. would play a DORK?! But Gerard Butler, despite dying almost first thing, turned out a wonderful performance and FOR ONCE Jeffery Dean Morgan LIVED. The whole movie was one massive sigh of romantic contentment. Everyone I was with, excepting Hubby's sister but including his mother and my other SIL, was crying like babies but I found the whole thing just perfect. I found myself sighing over dialog and having to remind myself not to clap in theater over plot points. My heart got broken and mended and swelled and deflated and generally wrung through the wringer in the best possible way. I have to confess that the Hero's Journey would NOT stay out of my head, but that's to be expected right now, trying to plot two different novels at once. At any rate, this movie was worth every hint of trouble it was worth to go to it. AND... I managed to keep my foot out of my mouth the whole time and not humiliate myself in front of the in-laws and their friends.

Seriously, anyone who has ever been in love should see this movie. "PS - I Love You" with Hilary Swank, Gerard Butler, Harry Connick Jr., Jeffery Dean Morgan, Kathy Bates, the guy who played Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and the dumb blonde from friends. This is the best romantic comedy I've ever seen. It is right up there with Pretty Woman and Ghost, blows past Sleepless in Seattle and The Lake House like they weren't made, and even made the MIL declare it "the best movie since Love Letters" which is saying something! Once more, altogether now: "PS -I LOVE YOU" This concludes my theater advertisement for the decade.

One would think, given how great that experience was, that I would label today a "good day" and I would have to agree to that logic. So why do I feel so crummy? Good movie, good football game, no major disasters... Ah, to heck with it. I'm going to bed!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Good Days

Some days are good days for no attributable reason. Today was one of them. (For which I am deeply grateful!) I woke up late, which was a bad thing, and couldn't get Kid-2 out of bed. Kid-1 didn't want to get up but did under duress and Kid-3 and Kid-4 were already bouncing off the walls. The rest of the school routine morning went smoothly. Then I went back to bed, for the second day in a row, just to spite Hubby. (What a wicked thing to do! But it made me feel better - for no apparent reason. Not sure what that makes me but there it is.) When the MIL called at 1130 I was sound asleep and dreaming a VERY bizarre and now unremembered dream. (It had Danny Glover in it as an unintentional bad guy. What's THAT all about?!) She asked me if I was sleeping and, as I had taken a few very deep breaths to wake up before answering the phone, I told her, "No but I wish..." She found that amusing and went on to ramble about something I also can't remember. Whatever it was, it the first conversation with her in weeks that hasn't led to an immense guilt trip so for that I was very grateful as well. Since I wasn't really tired when I laid back down in the first place, I got up.

At this point I had no real emotional attachment to the day. It was a day and it had gone up and down like everything in my life. (Is that how everyone's life is? It's either all the way up or all the way down and they balance each other out but rarely does something feel "kinda good" or "a little bad" --- or am I just being melodramatic again?)

So I prop myself up in my hole. (This is the place on the couch beside the bookshelf where I like to hide out and handle anything that can be tackled without getting up. Yes, I'm lazy. That's why I'm fat. Get over it. *wink*) With everything properly spread out around me, I dig into my massive pile of backlogged writer's group work. And I did pretty darned good actually. I got caught up and no one yelled at me today! YAY for no yelling! I moved into another project on the computer (kids' chore charts - ICK) and gradually picked up children seemingly at random over the course of an hour and a half.

Well, once everyone was home, they found it necessary to assume their kid-roles. Kid-1 bossed everyone around while getting furious at Kid-4 for ratting him out on not doing his share. Kid-2 got sulky and sarcastic when she didn't get to do what she wanted. Kid-3 found cause to either escalate the fights or pretend to be invisible. And Kid-4 was all wrapped up in being the snitch, even when he started getting the same punishment (or worse) as whoever he ratted out. And the fights got louder and louder and eventually turned into name-calling then degenerated into a fist fight, several times.

By the time Hubby got home, I was snippy and cranky and wondering if the ground was too wet for digging shallow graves. Things got worse as he found fault with everything we had done and bit people's head's off for things we didn't get done. There's no point in calling him on this behavior, even gently, even away from the kids, even after he's no longer in that mood/mode. It just makes it worse PLUS he gets royally pissed at me for it. So I just dodged him and kept the kids out of his way. He was much better after he ate so I went out for my usual Tuesday night Starbucks.

Now, I have been given a list of things that I have to talk to the shrink about. Because, obviously, the shrink knows what I can and can't handle and I am completely incapable of judging such things. (Yes that was sarcasm dripping off my words like September honey...) But, being the dutiful wife/daughter-in-law/friend/daughter that I am, I made my list. I have a massive list of things on it now because I added the things that *I* want to talk about. (Imagine that, putting MY things on the list for MY therapy sessions! The nerve of me!!)

One thing that has become more and more obvious lately: I am not okay. Who I am is wrong and I need to change. Now, I've done this before so I know the drill. It took me 3 years last time but I was doing it on my own so I am hoping to speed up the process this time. I will become who they want me to be, which, paradoxically, is NOT who they want me to be.

Your head spinning yet? Mine is. So off to bed I go, feeling both confident and hopeless at the massive changes that need to take place and rather confused at how this day feels like a good day when very few "good" things happened.

Friday, January 4, 2008

On Anger and Ancient History

People get angry. They get angry over many things, me or something I have done often being one of those things. Most times the anger confuses me. I have to stop and think and put myself in the other person's place long enough to understand where they are coming from. I can then usually comprehend the situation enough to form an action plan. But I rarely feel anger towards someone else on my own behalf. And it would appear that this is not a good thing. I don't understand the concept of wanting to be angry. Being angry is uncomfortable. I would even go so far as to say it hurts. But I am trying to see the value of the results that getting angry can yield.

The Komets played well on Wednesday night. They were up 4-1 when Kevin Hanson took a cross-check from behind and bounced head-first off the wall by the bench. He went down and never got back up again. They took him straight from the ice to the hospital and we had very little information on him. He remained conscious and had movement in his arms and feeling throughout his body. The rest was left to the imagination. At that point, there were just over 12 minutes left in the last period and the Komets could have gotten angry at the other team, channeled that anger and wiped the ice with them. They didn't. They held their lead but skated like their minds were at the hospital with Hanson. Anger would have served them well that night.

I got grilled by the in-laws last night. We had dinner and then an hour and a half of interrogation as to my plan to keep from doing anything so stupid again. It was 2 parts lecture, 7 parts guilt trip and 1 part concern. Frankly, I wanted NO part of it at all. But I screwed up and there are consequences to be paid. Lack of trust, being treated like a child, lengthy repetitive lectures, and demands to "never do that to us again" are all to be expected. That doesn't mean I have to like it. By the time we got home, I felt deflated. Tired, hurt and feeling guilty as hell, I wanted to curl up and hide. Apparently, I should have been annoyed and/or indignant.

The shrink caught me totally off-guard this morning. I expected yet another lecture, possibly veiled or at least a bit gentler in its delivery, but another lecture nonetheless. I expected him to be angry with me. Instead, my slightly out-of-sorts shrink informed me that he was angry at the biggest of the demons behind my Wall. In fact, he said he couldn't think of any polite names for Him. He blames Him for the OD. And he is angry at Him. And I said "HUH?!" (Well, no I didn't, but I thought it very loudly. *wink*) The shrink is ill today, recovering from a very nasty cold and in a strange mood. But I still didn't expect that. He... is angry at... Him, not me. I don't fully comprehend this as I despise myself for that situation.

It is his opinion, based on my description of what happened and how I was feeling at the time and based on my past behaviors, that when I pulled the covers over my head Saturday afternoon, I dissociated completely and gave over control to whomever happened to be willing to take it at any given moment. And at some point on Sunday, whoever took that control decided that death was the more favorable option. Even though most of me disagreed, no one put up a fight. I shut down and the results were disastrous, almost fatal. What he says makes sense, probably the most sense of any explanations I've heard to date, including my own. (I don't know why no one will own up to having done it though and even my regulars seem to have no knowledge of it...)

At any rate, the shrink says if not for Him, I never would have learned to dissociate like I do and therefore would not have been in the position I was in and therefore not have had the OD. And he's angry. He said if I had been coherent and cognitive ("like you are now" is how he phrased it) then he would be mad at *me* but as things stand, he is mad at Him. I asked him if I should be angry too and he said it would probably help. Not that I would want to stay angry but getting angry might help me work through it.

Getting angry, it seems, can be helpful. As with all emotions, it is what is done with it that determines its benefit or harm. One thing that I am quite capable of doing (though sometimes I stubbornly refuse to do so) is finding a way to interpret a negative as a positive. It's not really a half-empty/half-full thing, it's more of a "that glass is half-empty? This is good because I don't like to drink water and that's all the less I have to drink!" So I am more likely to identify how something *is* and then work with what is there to make things go a better way than to try to change how they are into something different. This leads me to wonder how I can make what I *have* work instead of trying to change who I am. I'm not mad at Him for what happened. I blame myself for it.

On the other hand, if anyone even THOUGHT about messing with my kids, I would truly, genuinely and easily become angry. So... maybe I can use that. Rather than try to squish all my different points of view into one lonely voice, maybe I can make better use of the segregation. I haven't managed to get mad for ME, but maybe I can get mad for Ginny, get mad for Mary, get mad for the Others who exist because no one got mad for them when they needed it. Maybe I can find a way to get mad at the right person, for the first time. This isn't going to be easy. I am fully aware that they are me and I am them and we are the same. But it may be easier to get mad for them then to try to generate the anger for myself.

I read a news snippet tonight that has added fuel to my fiery thoughts. The death penalty... wow. People get really angry about this. And I get angry at the thought of anyone hurting a child like that. So why is it so different when it comes to looking at my own situation? The shrink explained it to me this morning. Young children don't have the ability to reason through things. And they don't develop their own sense of "right" and "wrong" until after age 8. But I was only 6 when shit hit the fan. And He took the way that a 6 year old thinks and corrupted it to His purpose, twisting the natural thought patterns into a total distortion of reality. This was not just manipulation, it was premeditated and carefully thought out manipulation.

The thing is - and really this is what trips me up and truly messes with my head - WHY?!?! Why would someone do something so deliberate and cruel without a reason? He used everything I had been taught about life and rules and "good" and "bad" to teach me that I was the embodiment of everything that could be bad in a child. And He was a very effective teacher; I learned the lesson with all my heart. BUT... if it were one person in my life who had done an awful thing in an awful way, I could chalk it up to one evil person. I don't understand Evil but I know it exists. Except, it wasn't one incident or even one person. Everything He said meshed with the things I was regularly told by everyone, even those who didn't know each other. And once He was long gone, other people gave me the same message in similar ways, people who didn't know each other and didn't know my past. One person I can chalk up to a moral anomaly... but it wasn't one person. The only thing I can think of that would explain that is if..... He was right.

And it all comes back to that. How can I explain it any other way? How can I get mad at *Him* for what *I* did?

The shrink doesn't understand because he doesn't have all the pieces to the puzzle and I've never been able to make myself give them to him. There are words I can't say or write or type or even think of as words. When other people say them, I can't hold their eyes and I look away. I still tell myself over and over that most of the things never happened. I think they could not have really happened. I created the memories in my mind to manufacture reasons for my behaviors around the time. Right? Right?

Ah, but that is all ancient history, water under the bridge, as they say... No need to go there.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Top Ten Favorite Movie Lines

My favorites, not necessary because of their context, though. Some of the movies I haven't even seen...

10. I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man. (Tootise)
9. I'm not Wonder Woman, you know. (Sky High)
8. Goonies never say die! (The Goonies)
7. Say your right words, the goblins said. (Labyrinth)
6. It's not my fault! They told me they fixed it! (The Empire Strikes Back)
5. As you wish... (The Princess Bride)
4. Truth?! You can't handle the truth! (A Few Good Men)
3. If you can't say nufin nice don't say nufin at all. (Bambi)
2. This is true love. Do you think this happens every day? (The Princess Bride)
1. You have no power over me. (Labyrinth)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Top Ten Favorite Songs

Here are my at-this-exact-minute Top Ten Favorite Songs with LINKS to my favorite YouTube clips of them. I'd put in the clips but I've already put in most of them and they take up lots of space and load time and annoy people so follow the URL instead, okay?

TOP TEN FAVORITE SONGS:

10. Dear Mister Jesus by Sharon Batts
9. Falls Apart by Hurt
8. Scared by Three Days Grace
7. Cry Little Sister (Theme from Lost Boys) by Gerald McMann
6. Let You Down by Three Days Grace
5. Citizen Soldier by 3 Doors Down
4. Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
3. Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace
2. Breathe In Breathe Out by Mat Kearney
1. You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

Okay, None of us could agree on which FIVE New Year's Resolutions to make so I wrote most of them down. I tried to limit myself to five per category but I went over a couple times anyway. So here they are, all 30 (yes, thirty) New Year's Resolutions for Calendar Year 2008. The categories are in no particular order and the line items in no particular order within their respective categories. For once, there's no need to read more into what I've written than what I've actually written! LOL

Writing Goals:
- complete first draft of a novel
- complete 4 short stories
- submit something for publication 6 times or ntil it gets published, whichever comes first
- keep prompts, discussions, submissions and critiques current and active from my end
- maintain healthy writing relationships with my peers
- write 15 minutes or more every single day
- HAVE FUN!!

Mental Health Goals:
- NO HOSPITAL. period. the end.
- learn to talk to shrink
- set an EARNEST long-term goal:
---> make a plan
---> tell someome about the plan
---> take at least one step on the plan
- practice behaviors to avoid getting overwhelmed beyond breaking point
- learn to list and believe 6 good things about myself

Personal Goals:
- drop weight to around 145 lbs
- exercise 3 days per week
- read 3 classic novels
- read 3 modern novels
- reduce caffeine intake to <1 per day

Family Goals:
- family time every week
- cleaning day every week
- reading time every weekday
- less yelling (from/at everyone)
- more respect (from/at everyone)

Home Goals:
- run laundry every day
- kids and I do chores every week day
- pay bills on schedule
- keep dining room table clean
- clean/organize/USE scrapbook desk